Date: March 29, 2019
For years and years I thought of moving to Europe. I had never really considered London to be honest and not because I didn't like the city or country but my mind was always more focused on France or Italy. I did finally move here in Oct 2017, so in total I've been living in Europe for 18 months - although during that period I spent around 4 months in Toronto. Looks like I'm leaving Europe though now possibly for good.
Well if this isn't a great lesson in procrastination I don't know what is. I waited and waited and waited during my 30s for something to happen. At Globalive, with relationships, anything really. I finally forced the issue by working my way into a job at TouchBistro, followed by pitching then carrying out a plan to move to the UK and start up TouchBistro UK.
The moment I arrived I was as happy and giddy as I had been in years. A fresh place, a fresh start, I had lost my complacency which had kept me glued to a dead end ride for years. Unfortunately as the months wore on in London I came to a few realizations:
I waited too long to move here - not to say I haven't enjoyed some fun times and explored a lot, but to get the full experience I really needed to be in my 20s or at latest my early 30s. Many people my age (early 40s) are settled and or are tied up a lot in their careers. In any case it's tough to build a life here at this age
I was older than I thought. Maybe because I see myself in the mirror almost daily I didn't notice how drawn out my face has become. I think partially due to age partially due to losing some weight (my damn fat around the belly likes to stay but my facial fat and structure like to disappear) - I got some odd rejections early on before I realized some were due to age
There is everything I really was looking for and wanting here - the culture, the experience, the women, the fruit, the proximity to so much around Europe, but being in my 40s it was too hard to fully take advantage of.
My bloody hair was falling out - to some extent at least and it's very grey now (prematurely so). I've mostly stopped the falling out part I hope!
I also had a lot of anxiety last year which is largely gone, but it's been replaced by general malaise and melancholy. The realization that I pissed away my 30s getting hurt (or hurting others) in relationships and sitting at a desk at a good for nothing telecom job when I could have been living abroad and feeling fulfilled. Maybe had I managed to end my 30s with a wife and/or kids things would have been worth the time in Toronto. Alas.. should of, could of, would of... I didn't do it.
An additional fact - I've been put on Garden Leave - which to be honest I would have loved 5 years ago however as it stands now, it's not a great situation to be in. Now I'm left with the decision do I stay here and let my aging take hold (hair go very grey) and try to find more work and a better flat (my current flat sucks), or do I go home, face aging reality, try do find a wife now that I'm partially washed up and most importantly help my parents / brother out more in Toronto. Really these are all things I would not have had to do had I come here 10 years earlier. Having come here is almost like Ali (the girl who I lost out on who I loved dearly), in that it would have been better had I never known.
I think for years I didn't do what I wanted and being here made me realize that, and while I'm lucky to still be healthy I feel like a lot of key youthful years have passed me by. All in all it's a really negative feeling and I've been unhappy with it for many months. I think it's clear now I have to admit defeat and head back to Toronto for the time being. It kills me to see all these kids in the 20s at WeWork and the opportunity they have at their age (which I want so badly), especially the three who also came over from Toronto due to the risk and work I put in to setup the office here.
Sigh...
More to come in part II where I will highlight the last month of my time here and what I tried to see to enjoy the last bit.
Comments